ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
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The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”
Cats are still liquid.
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
[restaurant]
BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]
DATE: Are you okay?
THE HULK: I’ve been better.
The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house
Me: There’s nothing like a warm bowl of tomato soup
Trick or treaters: You know we’re gonna egg your house, right?
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?
3yr old: No, the crow did it
Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold
3yr old: *points out window
Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass
3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.