FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
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“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong