[the afterlife]
Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!Angel: *chuckling*
Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.
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Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
me: do you want more breakfast
6: no im full i have a small tummy
me: ok that’s fine you can-
6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-
me: I SAID you can go now thanks
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore