Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
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Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
ACED my prostate exam!
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.