Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
You Might Also Like
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
When news reporters do sports stories
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
Good morning, Twitter x
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.