[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
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Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
I can’t stop laughing at this
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Rey: No.
Me: Good. Let’s get started.
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Her: hot
Me: *narrows eyes*
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what