Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
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Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
Where’s my employee discount too?
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
kid: *sniffle*
me: need a tissue?
kid: no
kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
sugar glider wrangler
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”
Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”
Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.