Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
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Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
Me when someone tries to get to know me
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
my husband told me that i kept making really irritated expressions when he would say things and he was like “good lord WHY do you look so annoyed??????” and it was then that i realized that my botox has worn off 💀
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot