Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
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An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
When you can’t find your friend Neil
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
nature’s most graceful animal
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.