“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
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TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?