Reporter: *ports again*
You Might Also Like
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.