I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
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if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
🤣🤣🤣
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.
Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
Me: who ate all the cookies!?
Toddler: it was the ninja
Me: did you see the ninja?
6yo: well no it’s a ninja
Hank is one in a melon.
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
Whoa… oh I see lol
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
[my wife wants an expensive audi]
ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each
HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?
ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each
[an hour later]
ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each