God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
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Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.