Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
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One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
me waiting on an email: what the hell is taking so long, this is ridiculous
me, sending an email: this can probably wait another three weeks or so
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
Millennials are “quiet breathing” on company time, often inhaling AND exhaling at the office
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.