Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
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[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
Next
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth
She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face
He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.
3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in
How was your morning?
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
This box wine has subtle hints of 7-Eleven parking lot and poor decisions.
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.