Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
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I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
Haha! 😂
Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?
Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
{at the dentist}
Hygienist: Let’s just have a look
Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.
Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle
wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from