BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
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According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore
Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
😍😂🥰😂😍
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?