serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
You Might Also Like
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me:
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.
WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
my dad when a sex scene comes on
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…