I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
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*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
I support this random dude and all his protests
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”
No one heard her.
Finally!
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit