Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
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My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes
Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril
“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair