inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
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ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?
I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.