When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
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There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
Good point.
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.