My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child
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The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them