I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
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Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what
Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”