It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
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Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
Terrified to visit my girlfriend鈥檚 small town for the holidays because I鈥檓 a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can鈥檛 be true because my parents still don鈥檛 like me
me: I鈥檝e finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.
me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken馃悾 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them馃槀馃槀
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
I鈥檓 really hungry, so I鈥檓 going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn鈥檛
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can鈥檛 even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.