I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
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People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds
Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
Anyone really
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples
Come back with a warrant
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”