I made HUGE surprise plans for my wife’s birthday tonight–dinner, dancing, champagne, the works–but the babysitter just cancelled & now we can’t do anything!
Did that sound believable to you guys? If you were my wife would you suspect, hypothetically, that I didn’t make plans?
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Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
Cake!!
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
Lmfaoooooo
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.