me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
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NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.
Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.