itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
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Sweet. Free refrigerators!
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
Those are good neighbors.
My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?
Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.
Sticker placement is key.
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.