The struggle is real
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i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s rainingNeil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no
8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
I have many caverns
Mouse
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
incredible
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
Bobby pin
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.