An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
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pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
How dramatic are you?
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT