What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
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cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:
Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan airWhere does it end?
Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄