If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
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Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
Every house has this drawer
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
The Geek Squad needs a service where a plain-clothed tech will go fix my mom’s computer and claim to be a friend of mine so she doesn’t know I paid someone so I wouldn’t have to do it.
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*
Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
Rt to bother an English speaker
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.