I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence
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The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]
10: this is nice dad
me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.
10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?
me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
The biggest mystery of our time
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]
me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.