Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
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I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
6: I hate corona virus!
Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.
6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are
A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog