“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
You Might Also Like
ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
I tried home schooling for years, but my house still can’t read.
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
[Courtroom]
Judge: Have you been up before me?
Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.