overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
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Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average