DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
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16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection
Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?
16: I’m sorry I tell you anything
Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity
I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
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It’s Dublin.
Cop: Open the trunk please
Me: *suddenly defensive*
I have a permit for thatCop: Okay you don’t need a permit but why is it full of Queso?
Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can
My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.
*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.