coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
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there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples
This week’s mood.
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
[Date]
Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?