I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
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New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!
Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.
What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
Nose
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this