I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
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How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
Ovenable?
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no