As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit
You Might Also Like
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
Did you know there’s a wrong kind of mac-n-cheese? I was unaware that my kids have, over the years, decided there exists but one brand of mac-n-cheese and apparently if I make a different kind the dogs eat it instead.
P.S. the dogs do not exhibit this type of brand loyalty
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.