ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
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Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
[first day as a self defense teacher]
Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?
Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.