“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
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I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
Here you go, Merry Christmas!
“Dad, why’d you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?”
Because I wanted to make-
Mom: NO DON’T
My presents felt
“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
Fidel Castro was alive?
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn