If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
You Might Also Like
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
i made a craigslist ad !
Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.