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Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
me: sorry for speeding officer
cop: you’re parked
me:
cop: in the intersection
me: I can smell your thoughts
cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles