I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
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Me: So you were stuck in Limbo? What was that like?
Spirit: Not too bad, really. It was better than that time I got stuck in a conga line.
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.
My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”
It was a broom! 😂🤣
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting