Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
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I’ve watched this 17,467 times
I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.