[cabin rentals]
DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.
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SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
I don’t know what to do
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride