Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
You Might Also Like
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
THIS HEADLINE
Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*
*Me realizing where he got it from: 😬*
Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.